Well in a wierd mood tonight. I'm ready for changes. Maybe it's the season, maybe it's just the time. Maybe it's just one of those times I go through this. Jeez wouldn't that be annoying. Continue to go through this and never do anything about it. I know I know get off my fat ass and do something about it. Lots easier said than done.
Was checking out the series on Oxygen television about the Janice Dickenson modeling agency. Just online because our cable company doesn't offer it. But was checking out one of the models that was on Survivor last season. JP Calderon. I was shocked I didn't know he was gay but he came out kind of on the show I guess. He's 31 and talked about hating himself most of his life. It showed a lot of clips about this and it really kind of hit home. I used to feel that way most of the time. It was in my 30's that I kind of said HEY. I really did hate were I was, what I was and everything about life for most of my 20's and 30's. Wierd I just put myself all into my work and that was about it. Closed the doors and wasted many years. I guess it was about 6 years ago I started getting online and chatting and talking with people. That really helped me like myself a little more. Just relating to people that were like me and had similar lives. I think the internet saved me really to be honest. Listening to him brought back a lot of memories of that crap. I hated him on the show(thought he was cute) but he just wasn't a really nice person. So now I can kind of relate a bit and on the show he is hot.
I think stress is on the board for a lot of people in my life right now. It's wierd how it comes around like that. The darkness that is a struggle to get out of sometimes. Everyone has different and similar issues. Hope everyone can come through it ok.
I got snapped out of mine a little this last weekend. Scary it happens off of bad things. A guy coming out of the town I work in pulled out on the bypass in front of a semi. He was pretty much killed instantly. His pickup was hit on the passenger side but rolled completely up under the front of the truck onto it's drivers side. So you can kind of see why instantly was the case. The road there is a 60mph. He was 45 and had two kids. Worked at the factory across the street for 16 years. And in one second and one bad choice he was gone. Life is so fucking short and unpredictable. Why the fuck is it so easy for some and not for others. Guess that's the big test. Am I failing??? Is there a chance to change it if I am??? Where the fuck is the instructor with the constructive critisism??? I guess at 42 years old (almost 43)I should fucking know RIGHT???
Hugs,
B
