Here are a few of the questions I have been rolling over in my mind during my last several walks. With my answers or at least what I think may be my answer:
What am I doing here? Hopefully to share my life with someone and be a good person to others.
There has got to be more right? I think I have a pretty good life, but I do think there is a lot more out there.
Why is it so hard? I guess it's only as hard as I make it, DAMN IT .
Why can't I be honest with people about who I am? Guess I'm scared of rejection and change, but I so want to be, at least with my immediate family.
Is it that easy for some people? Not sure about this one, I envy them sometimes though. Some people make it look amazing.
What do I really want? I want a lot of things, mostly to be happy and be with someone that I can share my life with.
How do I get what I want? Hmmmm good question, I think I've been testing a lot of waters lately but honestly I think it will be really difficult in this small town to get there. But I also don't think it's impossible.
Why the fuck am I like I am? Guess thats how I was made, I know I'm too naive, too shy, too worried sometimes, too self consious and a lot of the time too nice.
Am I screwed up in ways I think? I think I have a set values but I never judge others. I think I have opened my values some in the past year or so and it hasn't hurt anything or me. I think I'm willing to test some things out. I know I am very strong on honesty and trust and won't waver on those.
Who the hell cares? I think I have a good group of friends that honestly do care. It helps a lot to know that. Not sure what I would have done if I hadn't found the internet.
Would love make me happy? I dream it will. I think being able to share everything and make a happy life with someone is what it's all about.
Would being honest with others about who I am really change things? I think for myself, being honest to my family and close friends is going to be an essential thing. I just can't get there for a lot of reasons. I get so close but never seem to get there.
How do I get more self assured? I think with loosing some weight and getting healthy has helped some. In work I am very assured, but personally when it comes to meeting someone I'm not and it makes me a nervous person. This has caused some issues in the past, I would have to say.
Why am I not more confident about certain things? Sex is probably the biggest. I haven't done it a lot. I've been with very few people. I am worried what they think at all times, my body, my size, my abilities, I get all worked up. Honestly I don't think I've been with someone enough to feel genuinly comfortable yet.
What would it be like to be in a relationship? I have a lot of family. I know it isn't a bed of roses. I know it takes committment and lots of give and take. But I also think that it shouldn't be work. I honestly think it would be awesome to share everthing with someone.
Would I be good at it? I know I would give it my all and be honest and committed. It think I have a lot to give someone.
Why do I hold back? Fear of rejection I think, and mostly the fact of having to hide all my life, who I am and to play the game for society but not let anyone get too close.
What am I afraid of? Being good enough for them to stand for a length of time. That I'm worth it.
Could someone really love me? Well I hope they could. I hope I have that in me that someone could.
Could I let them? Without a doubt. I think it is something that grows in people also. Not sure I'm a believer in "Love" at first site. "LUST" without a doubt but that fades if you genuinly don't care.
Can I give myself completely to someone else? I think most of it is I have to trust someone. I have to feel it is mutual, but I do think I could and almost have before.
Am I supposed to? I think this is the only way to be with someone.
OK that's enough I do have a few more I won't share but WOW can't believe I shared what I did. LOL
I've been in a lonely mode lately. I've been extra attentive to my surrounding espeically when I see couples and people together. I know it has to do with a few things going on right now in my life. I'm not totally sad or depressed or anything like that really so don't get me wrong. It's just a lot of strong urges and wants coming about. My trip to Seattle kind put some things in my mind as I said before. Some stronger conclusions I've come to about myself and what I want. Some things in other people lives in the last month or two also have made me think a lot. Some conversations here and there.
Well crap I've rambled again and was going to keep this one shorter than the novel last night. LOL But oh well, such is life. Or at least mine. Thanks for listening and take care.
Hugs,
SW
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