Another restless, shitty weekend. Sitting home feeling sorry for myself. Too lazy to fucking do anything about. This has got to come to an end. This is stupid. The plans I did have kinda fell through. They weren't really plans to begin with but better than nothing.
Tried to go to sleep a bit ago, worried what was up with someone. Worried I had did something wrong or didn't do enough or what the hell ever. I just laid there and kept thinking stupid things. Maybe not so stupid maybe some truths I don't want to know. Why do we think so damn much. Over thinking I've tried to give it up but damn. I'm just a scared little boy I think sometimes. Probably others do too.
I'm trying to kid myself that a certain situation has some potential I think. Always wondering if it does. Wondering how it could work. If there is even enough interest from the other side to do it. I fucking hate that. Either I don't communicate well enough or something. I don't wan't to piss people off. It just aggrevates me more. Why can't people just tell you? Or why can't I? I think I have and visually I'm probably pretty evident in a lot of cituations.
I'm so fucking frustrated and stressed out over this psoriasis I could just, well honestly you don't want to know what's going through my head there. People are probably getting so fucking tired of hearing about it. I'm tired of fucking hearing about it. This shit is trying to cover my body. It's none stoppable. I've even resorted to going to another doctor and giving them information they should know.
I want to do things but I'm broke. For some reason I haven't been managing well for some reason. I know part of it but not all. Single people have to pay way too many damn taxes.
Do I want something meaningful in my life the way of a relationship or is just gonna be about hook ups??? Instant gratification is awesome don't get me wrong but. I've had a lot of people want to hook up. I haven't done much at all. I kind of want to but to be quite honest I have feelings for someone, very strong feelings. I didn't think it would happen, I tried to keep it as casual. Which I know is what they want but there you have it. I think about them a lot, I mean a lot. It's aggrevating and frustating. They are at a different place I think. Just figuring out and exploring I think. It's great to see. I'm envious without doubt. I've done some of that myself the last couple years. But was more exploring with them. It was a lot of fun, so I can kind of see myself being in an open thing if I ever get a thing. Whatever the hell a "thing" is. A lot of people probably think that fucking stupid and not reality but. I think it is and I know there are people that have that. And why is that so hard?? Don't you want to be in a relationship that grows? A lot of people are always just looking for the next best thing. I find that so so sad.
I guess I just, no matter what and what situation happens I still need that someone that loves me. No matter what we do or who is involved at the end of the day this person holds ME at night. That person has my best interest at heart along with their own. That person that when they look to have a good time or have fun look at it with me in mind also. The kind of person that no matter how long you have known them or been with them you just sigh when you look at them.
I know I'm not exciting or like that, I know I'm just a simple guy. I think I'm always willing to try things. But I just don't know whether someone could be sustained by that. I don't know how I would be in a relationship, especially a live in one but damn it I'm 43 I want to fucking find out someday.
People tell me I'll never leave my home because I love my family too much. I do love my family a whole hell of a lot. Some of them are really good friends also. Maybe I do love them too much. What the fuck is too much? They say I'll do something when my parents are gone. That may be a long time.
Maybe I need to communicate better, or get people to communicate with me better. You know you always hate to hurt people when you tell them things they don't want to know or is hard for you. But to me the silence is even worse. That not knowing shit sucks. At least once you know you can move forward I think.
I'm just blowing some things out of my brain tonight. I had to. I jumped out of bed to do this, I thought just maybe it would help. I think it has somewhat. I think it was just my night to bitch evidently.
Some things are very personal and maybe shouldn't have went in here but I had to get it out. I really don't have too many people I talk with about this stuff anymore, you know the gay stuff. I a lot of times don't want to bug people with my stuff. Something they are busy or not around and have all their stuff in their lives going on. We all have stuff. Maybe that's just my persception of it all too. What's real. Maybe it's just my weekend to bitch and feel sorry for myself. OH imagine that, another one of those. LOL
I'm really not an unhappy person. I just let things build sometimes. I think the last year I've stayed pretty positive about most stuff, well maybe not the psoriais but damn. When you are already self concious about yourself and then to have a skin issue. OH fuck I'm talking about it agian.
Big audit tomorrow and Tuesday. It's gonna be interesting to say the least. I'm really not that worried about it. I think I have been focusing more on me than work right now. Hope it doesn't show in my work. LOL Honestly I almost don't give a shit if it does. But you know me. LOL
Right this very minute I just want to crawl into bed with someone and put my arms around them and they me. Put my head on there hairy chest and listen to them breath. Listen to them slowly go to sleep. Hear their heart and breathing go slower and softer. As I start to fade knowing they are alseep and they feel comfortable and loved.
Hugs,
B
