I love my new car. I really didn't want to get into payments again but now I'm glad I did it. It's fun to drive. People stare at me a lot. Not too many of them around yet. Figured up that I would save over $1,000.00 per year at current prices and how I drive. That's a nice wad of doe.
The weekend was a rainy one. Rained the entire weekend away. It was a nice slow "soaker" rain which is great for this time of year. Gets everything ready for the year. I was pretty lazy most of it.
I had a major case of the lonelies this weekend. It was pretty bad at one point on Sunday. I find myself perplexed about something. I lonely and go into a chat site and people are interested in me and want to meet. But I make excuses. Not sure if I'm plain just not ready, dont' want to put myself out there, worried about my psoriasis too much, just not wanting the one night thing(not that all of them have just wanted that)but feels kinda that way. A guy not far from me asked me to come over for the rodeo in a few weeks. He seems like a really nice guy. I'm thinking about it. Yet in the back of my mind I'm running reasons not too. What the fuck is wrong with me. Have all my walls been put back up??? I think I have a fear of fucking things up. Maybe that's just an excuse. Maybe I should just hook up with those people that only want sex. Most gay men do. I don't have to know them just get what I want and leave. How do people do that??? I just think about this crap too much sometimes.
Was thinking about the word lonely this weekend and what it means. Websters defines it as:
1 a : being without company : LONE b : cut off from others : SOLITARY
2 : not frequented by human beings : DESOLATE
3 : sad from being alone : LONESOME
4 : producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation
A definition I realized this weekend.
1. Alone on a rainy Sunday watching a sad movie and not having anyone to hold hands with or laugh with when you shed a few tears.
I've had chances to get out there this year. It's my own fault really. It's pretty stupid. Hopefully this drug I'm taking will start working and clear up some of my psoriasis. It truely is holding me back. I had a serious discussion with a vendor at work that talked about his wife having it. It was cool. He noticed it on my hands and asked. Said he had nocticed it before but didn't want to bug me about it. But he also knew a guy at his work that had it really bad and had tried something and worked really well for him and wanted to tell me about it. I tought that was really cool. I know I write about this way too much and probably most of it is in my mind but I've never had it this bad and I try to put myself in the shoes of others, and to be honest I'd probably run the other way quickly. How fucked up is that? Honest but fucked up.
Maybe I need a shrink. I think I have some screwed up issues. I always have. I'm gonna be 42 in a few days. I still feel in my 20's. But time flies so fast. There are things I want to do and feel before I go. Not asking a lot, just a few things.
There's a guy at work. He's a supervisor that I work with quite a bit. He's a nice guy. Sexy too. It's funny, we joke around a lot and have fun. He's got a few things that are irritating. He likes calling my phone a "gay" phone. It's dark blue. He mentions it all the time when he comes to my cube. Now he starts teasing me about my car. It's funny I just smile and go on. I know he doesn't mean anything by it. Well maybe he does. I'm not sure. It's weird. The things we put up with in life. Sometimes I think of what I really want to say when he says things like that.
I mowed the yard and weeded tonight. The other day I was watching a rabbit in the front yard messing around with an area of dead grass and dirt. I was thinking hmmm maybe a nest. Well while I was mowing tonight I kept that in mine, so I stopped and pulled back some of the grass and there was a bit of fur there. Guess what was there???? BABIES :-) :-) It was so cool. I left a space about 3 feet diameter around it that I didn't mow so I wouldn't disturb them. Hopefully they will grow quickly and move away so I will never have to worry about mowing them up. I would be heartbroken if I killed babies. Maybe I can see them running around a bit before they go. Baby bunnies are so cute.
OK jeeez just goes to show what happens when you don't post for a while. Wasn't planning on writing this much but it just started coming out. And I'm not done. Maybe tomorrow. Another definition of lonely from me: Wouldn't it be so nice to be able to tell someone in person all this stuff we put into our diaries???? Hmmmmm Is that ever possible? I don't know. Maybe I'll find out someday.
Seattle next week. YIIPPPEEEEE I can't wait. Purchased the whale watching charter tickets, purchased the Cirque du Soleil tickets. Damn that's going to be fun. Cirque on my birthday that'll be a treat. M wanted to do that for my birthday. That's so sweet of him. I wanted to do the whales for him since he hasn't ever been. The guy that charters said they have been seeing Grey Whale every day. Going to be fun and amazing. I'll take pictures I promise.
Thanks for listen to me. Sorry it's been so long. Take care.....
Hugs,
B
