Sorry I haven't written for a while. Do you ever have trouble getting motivated?? I've been that way the last several weekends for some reason.
It was a pretty ok weekend as you can tell I didn't do too much. I did clean the house and do the laundry though. I've been trying to do better with that and take the time. Seems to make me feel better about myself somehow.
Friday night went into AWC to chat it was kind of quiet. After being there for a while my old "stalker" came in. It's been two years since the "big mess" but somethings feel like yesterday. Was a guy I met at the site and got pretty close to and planned on meeting. Talked to him for months on the site and yahoo and on the phone. We had a lot of fun each place. Was all supposed to go slow and be fun. Didn't turn out that way and turned into a huge mess. Anyway he made my life hell in the room/site for a while and on the phone, spread a lot of shit about me that wasn't true. Anyway to make a long stor short he pm'ed me and we had a nice chat. He's got a lover and has for the last year. Sounds like he is making some positive advancements in his life. I'm glad he is and glad he is happy. Said some nice things about if he could go back and change some things. I'm just glad it's over and he has found happiness. In any case it was nice to update with him. I wish him well.
Went to the room last night for a long long time. LOL spent too much time there, guess I was motivated for that. Had a lot of fun with the guys, so so many great people there. Lucky to call several of them my friends. Since I am such a chicken shit in my life the room gives me a place to go and talk to people like me. It's also a good place sometimes to go have fun and release some built up pressure :-) hehehe I did just that Saturday night. Lot's of great cams on. LOTS :-) Room was pretty busy. "D" came in and we had fun on cam. It was nice. I enjoy having fun on cam with him. To talk with him personally in pms' and things is still a bit wierd but have to move past that someday. He's a good person and the past is the past. Can't change what happened back then now and like I said I learned about him and about myself. But honestly I have no regrets about it. Was a good time in my life and somethine I will never forget. I went to bed relatively early for me on a Saturday night 2am. I usually stay up way later but no one was chatting and hard for me to keep awake if they aren't in there. Damn I guess I am getting old. When did that shit creep up on me??? LOL Guess I did turn 40 this year. I still feel 25 or so. How strange is life. Mine especially but it's mine.
Been looking a little and going to start looking a little more for someone that is like me around my area to become friends with. I have looked in the past but again have been scared to do anything. I have had several inquiries on some of my personals I've posted. I guess for fear of rejection and actually meeting someone I usually don't respond. That is terrible of me I guess because I'm sending a bad message back to the person that took the time to do it. Like "not interested" or "fuck off" I know I wouldn't like it and shouldn't do that to others. So I am not going to do that anymore. Had a few in the last month that I responded to today. We'll see. Not being "out" is frustrating to say the least but at this time I've decided not to persue it. Maybe later. My "stalker" from above told me that he came out to his family last year. I asked him how it went. He said it went pretty good and the biggest thing was that a huge wieght was lifted from his shoulders. He said it was amazing and freeing. I liked that, it sounded so good. I was happy for him and anyone brave enough to do that. I want to just the mind won't wrap around it well enough right now. Maybe soon. I've been talking about it for over 2 years now. I get so close at so many points but someone (family) says something that either totally pisses me off or really makes me sad that I just take some steps back. At some point I'm not going to be able to worry about that. Like I say "My so called life" no you know. Haven't mentioned much about that in my profile but I think it becomes obvious after a while. I have hopes and dreams that keep me afloat right now, so well see. Got to have them, without would be ..... well you know.
Have a freind that is always negative about himself and anything to do having hopes. He is like "if it happens fine, if not at least I won't be sad" . Isn't that the most frustrating thing you ever have heard. Damn I want him to be happy. He pulls me down a lot. I try to instill some hope in him but it's difficult. I'm to the point he knows it makes me mad, but that is probably only holding him back from saying it not changing how he feels. But in any case we have drawn apart a little bit. I hate that too, but I know it's unhealthy for me to listen to negative right now espeacially when I have enough of my own. We still talk a lot but not quite like we used to. I will always be his friend I have no doubts about that. He's a great guy.
Tomorrow is back on the diet and exercise time. I have got to get my health in order. It just has to happen I think my options are done right now. I've sit my dineing room up with my total gym and recumbant walker so that I can just stop what I'm doing every night and do that for a little while. I know that it will make me feel better about myself and get me healthy. Not sure why that is so hard to do but it is. I'm an out of stress/sorrow eater and well, hmmm need to change that too. I'm trying... This will help. Wouldn't it be nice to be fit and healthy. It's been a while for me on the fit side. A long ass while. Not that I was ever buff or lean or anything like that. Hell at my height I'm supposed to be at 161-184lbs or something like that... ??? Just cut me off at the waist and keep which ever half you like.. LOL MY oh MY this is going to be work.
Meanwhile kstyle is up in the mountains having a great time. Hehehe I am so jealous, or would be if I got jealous. Actually is envy and happiness for him. I know he is having a great time. Have had a lot of comments on my diary. Thank you guys. I heard "W" has gotten his own diary page, good for him, hope he finds it cool like I have so far. Still not sure who's name to put here and not so I hope I don't offend anyone. Not my intent at all.Jeez I've talked a lot tonight. Feels good though. Enough for tonight.
Wishing you the best in your world. Take care.
Hugs,
SW
