Man it's been a while. Days go by so fast. Seattle trip was awesome. Had a lot of fun. M made my birthday really nice. He made a great dinner and invited his neighbor guy over and another friend, it was nice to meet some new people. We went to Mt. Rainer one day it was beautiful. Saw some waterfalls. I'll post a few pics soon. It's so nice out there. It was a short trip and I wasn't ready to come home yet. But hey that's life.
Kinda down tonight so may not be the best time to do an entry. But hey, you know what may be a great time. Hell if I know anymore. Haven't been sleeping that well lately for some reason. It's not really anything abundant that is keeping me from sleeping just a wierd feeling. There's a few things in my life right now that I just think I've got to realize aren't going to happen like I want them too. Not that I've given up or anything like that I just think it's kind of out of my hands kind of thing.
I've got some shit to work on in my life. I've wasted a lot of time, that I won't get back. Some things I just want to say Fuck IT too. It's not like I'm depressed or anything because I'm not I'm just kind of looking at reality.
I was talking to a close friend the other day about my psoriasis and how much it bothered me of late. We were talking about maybe going on a date with someone I had talked to online. It's at the worst point I've ever had it and I've had it since I was like 8 or 10 years old. He just basically told me to stop being so paranoid about it. FUCK believe me I'd love to. And maybe I should. I've been with people that didn't seem to mind. It's just hard since it's always been with me and always bothered me, made me feel diseased or something. Or at least that people would feel I was. My friend told me if the guy was nice it wouldn't matter. He's a wise man. Maybe I'm just screwed in the head. I know I'm too paranoid about things a lot of the time that is not warranted a lot.
I think sometimes I hold back in certain situations. I think some people feel I don't open up completely. I think maybe they are right to an extent. Partly I think I'm just not a real complicated guy. I think part of it stems from being gay and not sharing a damn thing with anyone for some many years, just hiding that in the back. Someone told me recently that it maybe because I don't feel I'm worth it or deserving.
Do you ever feel like people are passing you by? Leaving you behind? Do you ever think it's best for them? Do you think you should just let it happen? Do you want to fucking change it so bad you can't stand it? Do you ever feel you are not growing and learning and evolving? That old saying of people pass into your life and people pass out of your life, I think that's how that goes. I think that sucks to a big extent.
I think the older I get the more I think that risks have to be taken or you are fucking stagnet. Do you take risks for yourself or for others? Is it the same thing? What if you screw up? How old is too old for risks? I think a lot of people that are ahead in life and happy take risks.
I have been thinking about a poem that someone wrote to me almost 4 years ago. I pulled it out and read it again the other day. I think there was a message in it that I think I kind of realized but it didn't really "click". I think it was a message that was supposed to click more than it did. Is it too late for it to "click"?
I guess I just maybe realized why I haven't been sleeping so well. Maybe it is good to just spill stuff out in here. It's helped before. Sometimes I guess you just don't remember that it does and when you do it you're like "OH".
Hugs,
B
